Single Family Discrimination

Within one week, I read that Americans are more skeptical about single mother families than families with two gay parents And China is once again allowing single women to adopt (although only heterosexual women). It hit especially close to home after being encouraged by agency staff not to pursue a specific adoption program as a single woman, even though the country’s laws allow for single women to adopt. More than that and more important than my feelings, my heart hurts because this means that even as I have eliminated exclusion from some by officially joining the mom club, my child will still be impacted by discrimination.

I have and continue to create opportunities for my child to have relationships with strong  male role models, including the brother that has established residency with us. I know the fact that I’m not yet married will have an effect on my child, but I am doing my best to mediate that and turn it into a positive.

I am sad that my child who must already deal with racism and the complications of a multiracial family will also be forced to deal with societies discrimination against me. I don’t even like dealing with the not a part of a couple syndrome most of the time! It seems so unfair for a child who must already process not having her biological family to also deal with others’ perception that her adoptive family is not good enough. It’s a good thing we celebrate being a bit beyond normal.

I am thrilled that I no longer have to deal with “you’re not a mom yet” or “it’s different when its your own kid” or other such belittling statements. Boy was that a pet peeve when I was trying to make the most responsible decision about when to bring a child into my home! I wanted to make sure I could both support my child financially and dedicate the time necessary to be an active, in-tune parent. I haven’t yet heard anyone suggest that an adopted child is not the same as a birthed child. I anticipate that one won’t bug me as much. What will the therapist say about that?

So now I’m wondering if I should buy one of those costume jewelry diamond rings? Perhaps that would save my child a few unnecessary looks and comments. Advice?

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About Beyond Normal Mom

single mom by adoption re-defining family and going beyond normal

12 responses to “Single Family Discrimination”

  1. Crystal says :

    When I had my first daughter I was married. I was 20 but I looked about 14 (if that) so even though I was married and had that rock on my finger, I was still judget because of how young I looked. People as a whole are just so judgemental about us as parents. The problem with geting a fake ring is then everyone asks you all sorts of questions about your husband. Plus you should be proud to be a single mama! I struggled for a while with the judgement and rudeness of people but I have learned how to stand proud as a single mama, and show my girls that women are so strong and independant.

    My oldest is bi-racial so we have that to deal with as well. Just remember that anything people say to you is their opinion, and don’t give them to power to make you feel bad (easier said than done I know). I think it is wonderful that you took the time to make sure you were ready for a child, some of us were just thrown into it.

    It is sad that there is discrimination against us, but we can prove them wrong!!

  2. Beyond Normal Mom says :

    Thanks, Crystal. I hadn’t even thought about people asking questions about the husband… I’m not so much worried about people making me feel bad – I’m a tough mama – but I do want to provide my kiddo with a little protection from unnecessary comments and negativity whenever possible. I do want to teach my daughter to be strong and independent – that’s a great way to look at it.

  3. Crystal says :

    With a smart, tough mama like you I have no doubt she will be!

  4. unusual says :

    nice blog here. I wish I could blog like you.. well, take it easy. happy new year

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