My Hard Candy Shell
Recently, a friend was confused why people sometimes think she is aloof or cold or hard to approach (I cannot remember the phrase she used), and I explained to her that often those of us that have bigger hearts and are more sensitive protect ourselves just a little more. Later on in the day, I realized that “us” was very accurate. I do sometimes have a hard candy shell, but I’m truly mush inside.
The problem is that even those people who know how big my heart is tell me they are intimidated by me.
And then there are the ones who just assume that I am a mean person. It worries me that I am less effective with them professionally simply because I am not oozing with my personal passion. But passion might make me vulnerable. I fear that it does. I fear that people try to take advantage of my big heart and that is why so many people hurt my feelings. Even when it does not make me vulnerable, passion is a level of intensity against which many people react.
But I can’t find the balance between sharing my passion and showing intensity in my passion – at least not yet. Too many people just find me difficult or uncaring, which are truly the furthest things from the truth. I care so much and their mis-assessment hurts my feelings. It hurts my feelings so much that some days I barely get anything done. I vacillate between self-pity to anger to hurt to haughtiness.
My heart hurts. It doesn’t matter how much recognition I receive, if I am still questioned by a few, especially about those things in which I truly invest all of myself, it hurts. It might be because they see through me… they know I am kind-hearted and vulnerable. It may be that they cannot see through me… they see my passion only as intensity and are intimidated.
The next time you see someone that seems to have a tough exterior, consider that they may be protecting the sweet mush inside because so many others have tried to take advantage of their caring.
And this, my friends, is why I have not been blogging or very active on twitter recently.