Pardon me, Your Crazy is Showing
Tonight S-man and I had a collision of our crazy. I wanted attention. He wanted to be alone, but he didn’t want to communicate that. I was reminded of “Alexander” (as in the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad ex) which ramped my emotion for hours before I figured out the déjà vu. Alexander actually isn’t the worst of all the men I have dated, but he is the one that truly damaged me. Just thinking about the ways he changed me and who I might be or might not be if it weren’t for him is enough to make me call the therapist. So any crazy that comes from reminders of him just isn’t pretty.
S-man can be so loving and thoughtful and supportive. He’s good at handling my crazy when it pops up. Unfortunately, tonight his crazy is what unintentionally caused my crazy. When his crazy shows, it’s easy to think that he is entirely self focused. His crazy makes him (in my opinion) try to push me away. When my head is on straight, I can generally see it for what it is. We don’t often collide head on like this. I think that giving him space when he needs space is part of loving him.
I think giving space for people’s crazy is part of what we do when we care. One of my best friends used to deal with chaos by organizing everything. I’ve learned to appreciate her planning now (I can practically just show up and she takes care of all of the logistics), but at one point when I was overwhelmed with life and responsibilities her desire to plan ahead and talk it through felt like more for me to think about. She has forgiven me, but I’m not sure I can forgive me for not making space in my head to allow her to process things with me the way that she needed to.
Yet I also think loving someone means that we try not to subject them to our crazy. I don’t expect S-man to just let me be crazy. It is not fair that he has to deal with messes created by Alexander. It is because I love him that I have to try to get over the crazy. I don’t like when my crazy shows, but I like it even less when it impacts S-man. Thus far I’ve not had an issue with it impacting the kids. I’m sure they’ll eventually drudge up something from my childhood that I didn’t even realize still bothered me. I will not let my history hurt either of the kids. Working on me, even seeing the therapist, is integral to being the best me I can be, the best not-quite-girlfriend I can be, and most importantly the best mom I can be.
Make me feel better, tell me about your worst ex or childhood rival and how he or she ‘damaged’ you…